My Whacky Weight Loss Method

Birds, shouldless writing, and one magic pill

It is 6 AM. I’m writing in my balcony. The sky looks like a Karan Johar heroine. It wears a peach backless blouse. An orange sari, with grey tie-and-dye clouds swirling across it. For stunning jewellery, a thin crescent. Birdsong and the fragrance of coconut oil on my legs pins me to presence.

For so long I’ve been wanting to wake up early. Last year was full of failed attempts at 5 AM clubs and 6 AM yoga classes. How badly I want to be an early riser, to access the quiet beauty of the morning.

I have also been dying to talk about weight loss. I’ve put on a lot of weight in the past three years. My capacity to move feels limited. My stamina is low. Exercises that used to be easy seem laborious.

“Et tu, Brute?” I asked my last favourite kurta that became tighter.

With body positivity on one side and diet culture on the other, I get stuck. Its hard to mention weight loss & not hear at least ten voices having an instant cacophonous debate. The weight loss industry is extremely body negative and body positivity has done nothing except tell us to stuff our body negative thoughts inside ourselves.

Large Flowering Sensitive Plant - Philip Reinagle.

Enter birds

I see birds from my balcony. I envy their sense of integrity. They fly, hop, perch, glide. Birds of all sizes. Aerodynamic bodies. Chirping and squeaking. Best friends with air.

I want to be best friends with the air. I want to feel lighter. I want to get up & bring salt from the kitchen in a jiffy. I get to express my desire for lightness. Without any shame for my current state. My beautiful heaviness.

If I am not mindful, the next step would be to make a grand plan. A nutrition chart. An exercise routine. Apps and hacks. Why does this plan feel even heavier than my body? My to-do lists gain weight as soon as I want to lose some.

And then there are the things I expect from myself on an average day. Tonnes, if we could measure their weight. My perfectionism is a sack of potatoes I carry on my back. Of course I find it hard to move.

Writing with lightness

Three years ago, I was creatively blocked. I had pitched for an incredible anthology on friendship called Yaari. While I’ve thought a million thoughts on friendship, none were descending on the blank page. After a few anxious days, my intuition led me to write all the shoulds that are weighing me down. Then, I wrote another list to counter my shoulds.

• It should come naturally, pouring out. Beautiful too.
  It is a process. I don’t need to expect beauty but say what’s true (small t) not say one profound big T Truth.
  

• It should impress them as well as myself.
  It is already impressive to me that I’m trying to write in a non-writerly environment about a tricky topic.

• The first line should shake the universe
  The first line is already good because it starts and leads. I am a first line.

• I should start from scratch
  I’ve been writing this essay for years in my heart.

These two pieces of paper took away the weight on my writing process. I felt lighter. Over the next two days, my writing stamina increased. Releasing one word called should, helped me write the 2400 words I really wanted to.

Living on earth - shouldlessly

How do I bring the same ease again and again, in writing and existing?

Shoulds obstruct the flow of blood to my brain. If I could lose their weight, I'd feel lighter, whether or not the scale reflects it.

I look around and see those of us who were pressurised as kids. To cope, we lie, rebel without cause, seek thrill & hedonism just to get a break from our inner monsters who nag us constantly. With all this pressure, I eat in ‘flight’ mode and sit in ‘freeze’ mode. I eat to feed the void inside me, administering an ongoing anaesthesia.

I look at the trees around me. The upside down parrot on the wire. The hill with its green cover. I wonder if the earth pressurised herself to create all of this. It happened and she loves and nourishes creatures of all sizes. She keeps us close through her motherly gravity, even as she spins us on her back. I can't imagine the earth wanting me to pay any sort of rent. My landlord, yes. But to be alive itself is her gift. Everything else is a bonus. I refuse to let my expectations ruin my body. I seek acceptance for my life and body as it is & yet desire lightness of being. I am allowed to want both.

Magic pill

For all this there is only one cure. Not Herbalife. That shit powder peddled by every Tom, Dick and Harry. (Mostly by Dicks if you ask me.)

But yes, I very much want this to be a pyramid scheme.

If I reveal this magic pill for weight loss to you, you have to promise to tell it to the five people around you. Promise? It will help you lose weight faster.

It is a pill called “I am enough”

If you want a stronger dose you can take “I am enough FFS”

The pill of I am enough will help me sleep earlier.

The pill of I am enough will help me eat slower.

The pill of I am enough will make me want to dance.

The pill of enough will help me say no, say yes-yes-yes, say thank you.