#3: Why Evolving and Enough?
The Story of a Title
I remember the day I accidentally gave birth to this title. In my journal on my lap, I was trying to write my ‘affirmations’. I had just made the shift from judging affirmations as narcissistic lies to experimenting with them as an antidote to the bulky negative statements I issue about myself every day. Over time, affirmations promised to be imperfect truths and perfect reminders.
So there I was, making an acrostic list of affirmations, one statement emerging from each letter of my official name, Rajashree. I started out awkwardly with R, A, J….and by the time I reached E and E, my thinking mind had quietened. The scribble “I am evolving” was swiftly followed by the declaration “I am enough”. I paused. If I am enough, why do I need to evolve? If I am still evolving, how can I be already enough? I was puzzled by the paradox.
Before I dismissed it as an erroneous expression, I brought my awareness to the words: enough and evolving. My eyes admired the curves of the word enough. It referred to an unconditional acceptance of some sort. An end to the pain of insufficiency and the ‘trance of unworthiness’ as Tara Brach puts it.
Most of us find ourselves in this trance. We compare ourselves to each person in our wide social network through weighing scales, fat packages, or correct politics. We make lists of what we need to achieve to feel like we are good enough, unaware of how surreptitiously these lists keep recycling and updating themselves according to the latest social norms. To accept oneself then is to stop chasing the horizon. To swallow a scoop of the sun instead or to raise it and finally see the mica shining in our sands. Instead of success, goodenoughness is brought by valuing the ideas, art, action, and activism we can offer to the world. It is cultivated by painting liquid gold into our imperfect cracks and scars. I remembered how feeling enough for the first time was like screaming “ENOUGH!” to a culture that profits off our shame.
The word evolving has some Darwinian baggage. I hope evolution isn’t just survival of the fittest, but also the creation of opportunity for the weaker elements within us. Evolution is neither greedy growth nor an effort towards perfectionism. It is not about adding more cherries to our CVs. Evolution need not be grand at all! It is the reduction of our ego, the rigorous decluttering of our material and mental landscapes, and the unloading of our dear baggage. Not just growing up, ‘evolving’ is also peeling back to our past, embracing our inner child and learning from her the art of enjoying food, nature, and bodily movement. It is the strengthening of our spine and the softening of our heart. I recalled what theatre director and teacher John Britton said in a workshop,
“Growth is not the acquisition of skills but the removal of blockages”.
After looking at both words, I returned to the challenging paradox. Shall I just remove one of the two? After all, many people improve because they are self-critical. So many of us #hustle at the gym/workplace because we refuse to accept our appearance or attitude. Isn’t that good? Maybe. It would be great if self-criticism could fuel long-lasting change, a durable change that is immune to all those behaviours that emanate out of deep self-loathing. Can a tree offer fruits every year if it doesn’t take seasons to deepen its roots?
If I look at the remarkable people in history, I could see how they intuited their inherent capacity way before they actualized their dreams. Just the way gratitude and political dissatisfaction can coexist, perhaps acceptance and the quest to be better are also folded into each other. It dawned on me: not only do they go together, but one is also the precondition for the other. We don’t grow because we think we are not good enough, we grow precisely when we feel that we are good enough. Take relationships for example - without unconditionally accepting each other, can we expect to grow together? Can we change for the better if we keep hating our politics for not being on point? In my work of teaching writing, when I value the experiences and ideas a learner already possesses, she finds an ocean of motivation to learn the skills she needs to share them with the world.
I was convinced finally, that only radical acceptance can lead to radical growth. And it is this slow, simultaneous struggle between being and becoming that I wanted to share through this newsletter. Hence, the title: (I am) Evolving and (I am also) Enough.