Letting F.R.I.E.N.D.S go and Letting Friendship grow into a Wild, Ever-present Sensation

"Slowly, I’ve found those rare friends. The ones who love themselves. Who value you and your gifts. Who make time for you and ask you to do the same."

There is a basement. Unlike other basements, it is very bright. I can drop into this basement whenever I want. Here, Matthew Perry is still alive. Making us laugh as if he hadn’t started dying already. Rachel and Ross are pining and fighting. In this basement, friends have time to hang out with each other. They are not doomscrolling. The endless coffee drinking doesn’t cause jitters. I chuckle at what Joey does or what Phoebe says, as if they aren’t Monica’s friends, but my own.

The basement is visited by many people. While eating dinner, many watch reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S episodes. In the novel, ‘The Man I think I Know’, the protagonist, James, suffers from brain damage. He loses his friendships and relationships after an accident. To cope, he watches F.R.I.E.N.D.S. It feels familiar and soothing. We may not have brain damage. But we want belonging. It is restorative to watch predictable stories.

Unlearning F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Many of us started watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. when we were in school or college. As we grew older, our friendships fell apart. Maybe the six people of the basement are the oldest companions we have had.

But they are fictional! Carefully choreographed. In reality, friendship is wilder. Unpredictable. Dreamy at times. But also drama.

Everything I’ve learned about being a good friend has been taught to me by a bad one. Like in school, [s] taught me that friends are a moody bunch, and if I have only one, I risk a big void if they take off.

In college, I learned that being radically radical was not as important as being radically loving. It was [n] and [s] and who taught me that people come to social movements for dignity, but also to escape from confronting their emotions, ego, and childhood trauma. I saw their kind spirit turn caustic. I realised I’m perfectly fine losing the who-is-more-political contest. I learned to lose friends because losing myself hurt so much more.

I learned the importance of check-ins from friends who ghosted me. From friends who treated me like a child, I learned that I am pretty powerful if I look at myself from a certain angle.

I didn’t have to ‘learn’ to cheer for my friends. That is one quality I am born with. But when a friend belittled my work, I learned that being happy for friends is not something we can take for granted. That kindness is not permanent, it can get corroded like iron, if not kept fresh and strong.

My greatest teacher of friendship has been [r], who taught me that no matter how much your friend loves you or you love them, if they don’t love themselves, the friendship will dry up and die, and you will be left watering an already dead plant.

It is easier to watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S than living out actual messy friendships. Because it is a brilliant illusion. The basement feels so real. It is 10 seasons long. The camera quality is acceptable enough, even two decades later. When friends are roommates and neighbours, unmarried and childless, funny and fashionable, friendship seems like an endless dream.

I wanted to wake up from this dream.

Since the pandemic, I’ve been in a transition. Letting F.R.I.E.N.D.S go so that true friendship can arrive. Learning the way friendship is fantasised about and the way friendship actually works. Instead of finding ‘cool’ people to befriend, seeking the wild essence of friendship - the sensation of being cared for, whether it is by the city, the writing community, the tree, the body.

Slowly, I’ve found those rare friends. The ones who love themselves. Value you and your gifts. Make time for you and ask you to do the same.

James, the aforementioned protagonist of the novel ‘The Man I think I Know’ eventually stops watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S because he finds a deep and real friendship with Danny, a man who nurses him back to health.

It is the friends who left, who guided me towards the indestructible sense of friendship I feel today. They taught me how to be a friend to myself by leaving me to be alone.

Here’s a poem I wrote for them, that counters the F.R.I.E.N.D.S title song, I’ll be there for you. It is titled: Thank you for not being there.

Thank you for not being there. 

Your abandonment was a curse

that gave me the sweetest berries.

In that darkness, without you,

and you and him and her,

I found a poem and a psalm

found lil birds on my palms

It takes a sweaty desperation 

to find a pot of cool water

Takes being deserted — to find a date

Without you, I found friendship in me

Thank you for not being there.

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Has your sense of friendship evolved?

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